urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:coffeeandpablo Hail the pages turning coffeeandpablo 2005-09-10T10:46:40Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:coffeeandpablo:421 2005-09-10T10:46:40Z 2005-09-10T10:46:40Z The sound of insects outside of my door <center><br /><br />Dear livejournal,<br /><br /> This is my first entry in this new journal I created around ten minutes ago. I should be asleep right now but one of the cousins wandered off with my pillow and I could not get comfortable no matter how hard I tried.So I have been up all night,contemplating and thinking about how it is possible that I have lost myself as much as I have. I don't know who I am anymore. Let's forget that I have depersonalization disorder for a minute- even without that annoying disease, I don't think I would know who I am. I am trapped inside of this body, I own this face..but it isn't me. Maybe I spent too much time dreaming over the years. Perhaps all of those years of wishing I was someone else finally caught up with me - to the point where I don't know who I am(because I want to be one of them).<br /> Well, I am turning sixteen in three months. That means I will be able to drive..and be two years away from turning eighteen...two and a half years away from leaving this wretched place. Now is one of the best times ever to finally go through with what I have been trying to do for three years. The time flies. It has fluttered away and I realize how much time I have wasted dreaming. Dreaming about being thinner, dreaming about being prettier, dreaming about having all the guys adore me,etc..(the usual fantasies of a pathetic teen female)Now I am mature enough to know that none of those things matter. The only thing that matters is my happiness. The only way I can be happy is if I am healthy. I need to lose atleast 25-30 lb to be healthy. So that is my new goal. To finally end this burden I have been carrying with me for such a long time. The times is now. The time isn't one week or one day from now. Everything begins today.</center>